Why this mean mother keeps dragging her boys to violin lessons.

Ah. The violin. Now this is a post that is guaranteed to stir up controversy. (grin) How in the world did we start the kids in violin? WHY in the world did we start the kids in violin? And, my favorite question I've been asked, "how long are you going to make him do it?" Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Here we go...

My oldest started begging for a violin when he turned 4 years old. This mother's heart was beaming with pride and I was sure this was a sign of greatness. We held him off for an entire year because I was terrified of living vicariously through him. I was bred to be a pianist. My grandmother was a church pianist. My mother was a church pianist. I am a church pianist. I studied classical piano with a WONDERFUL teacher for my last two years of high school and was practicing 4 hours a day. Music is in my blood! I was jumping for joy when I thought my 4 year old had inherited my musical genes. And so it happened, on his 5th birthday, he received his very first violin. It was magical. It was dreamy. And he was enthusiastic. This lasted for approximately 3 weeks. I would round him up every day for a practice session and I was shocked at how slowly he would walk towards me. I even occasionally saw a roll of the eyes! Ah! Heaven forbid. What happened to my budding virtuoso!? Let me be honest and say that things just got worse. We never had to deal with a screechy sound (thankful for high quality instruments!), but as soon as it got difficult, he just lost interest. I thought I was doomed. There were certain days upon arriving at his weekly lesson that he wouldn't even walk towards his teacher when she asked him to! I was mortified, and it was quickly followed by the meanest mommy look I could muster. My sweet, innocent, precious baby boy could actually be disrespectful! I had seen disobedience before, of course. But none of my children had been able to produce a large enough amount of disrespect for any of us to even notice. That is, until things got hard. Of course this is when the questions started. Why is he taking lessons if he's not loving it? Why the violin? When are you going to let him quit? Let me tell you, I've had many quiet heart-to-hearts with myself, contemplating these questions.

-Why the violin?
Well, quite frankly, I believe it is the easiest instrument for very young children to learn. I was VERY much against the Suzuki method until I found a Suzuki teacher who was willing to also teach them theory. As a pianist, I knew how important it was to read music. I needed to know my kids were learning how to read music.

-Why isn't he loving it?
He loves his violin teacher. Absolutely adores her. He loves his lessons. But what he hated was practicing. This was eye-opening for me. I truly believe I was the contributing factor to him not loving his practice times. I get frustrated easily, and tend to expect a lot out of my kids. So if a new skill was difficult, I've had to learn tactics to take the drudgery out of it. This has been a growing experience for me! I can zap the fun out of anything. It's true. :) So it was humbly to realize that I was the main reason that his practices were so difficult.

-When are you going to let him quit?
Hm. Well, to answer this question you have to first ask yourself the reason why you started in the first place. At first we started because we indeed believed he was a prodigy. Ha. Ha. Ha. Every parent believes their child is something extraordinary. Let me tell you that after 1 1/2 years of lessons, I can guarantee that he is NOT a prodigy! LOL :) So do we have high hopes of him joining a conservatory? Heck no! Our #1 reason for not allowing him to quit is because sometimes it's good for your kids to have to do something hard. People, we homeschool. He can do school in his jammies if he wants. He gets a million breaks, and gets to watch tv in the afternoon. Nothing in his life is hard! :) So the reason for the violin? At this point it is SOLELY for the purpose of character building. There are a whole pile of specialized character building books, curriculum, etc. My kids can to learn it while also learning how to play an instrument. Two for the price of one! :) Soooooo, if our main purpose in taking violin lessons is to build character, then go ahead. Ask me again. When are we going to let him quit? :)

Violin lessons have been the refining fire. For all of us. My husband has to fork out the money for something he isn't seeing immediate results with. I have to choose.....ugh, yes, choose......to gather him each and every day to practice and practice and practice. This child has to choose to speak respectfully and work hard, even if he doesn't feel like it. What a priceless lesson to learn.

p.s. baby #2 started lessons in august. heaven help me! :)

On his 5th birthday...

The 14th of this month marked 5 years. We had prayed for this baby. Night after night of asking God to bless us with another life. How quickly I became pregnant again. Tears of joy after reading those results. Just pure excitement. Absolutely perfect pregnancy. Planning on a VBAC. And at 26 weeks Seth confesses that he doesn't feel peace about it. For some reason, he just didn't think that was the best decision for us. So after all the work I did to find a doctor who would take the risk to deliver a VBAC baby 16 months after a c-section, I called up my original OB and we scheduled a cesarean. I was too afraid to not follow his gut instinct. We had chosen the name Logan in the case that I was carrying a boy. It was sophisticated. Preppy. Everything we assumed our 2nd baby would be. But something weird happened on the day of the ultrasound. We saw the color orange. And rock climbing. I can't explain it. I know we're weird. But we both walked out of there knowing this child was not meant to be named Logan. So then we settled on Owen. But problem #2 arose. We live in the Owen J. Roberts school district. We already determined this baby's middle name was going to be John, after my father-in-law. So having a child named Owen John Roberts was just weird. So we dove into baby name books for weeks. And settled on Caden. It was the only name that we could agree on. Neither one of us had a bad association with someone named Caden. :) The morning that we left for my scheduled c-section, we tiptoed into Silas' room to say goodbye and I lost it. I felt as though we were ruining his life. He would no longer get the same amount of attention that he had grown accustomed to. And I was scared. Quite frankly I doubted that I could love another child as much as I loved my first. I didn't want to have to love him less, in order to have more room in my heart to love the next one. And I was scared to death to go through another cesarean. The first one was a piece of cake. I had labored for 24 hours and I would've blown that child out of my nose if I had to. But this was so different. I was well rested. Not quite 38 weeks along. Still very comfortable. And I knew what to expect. Thankfully excitement ruled fear, and his delivery went flawlessly. Except for one part. My OB leaned over the blue curtain with sharp tools in his hands to say it was a darn good thing I had another section. The wall of my uterus was paper thin. He put the pressure of a butter knife on it and it tore right open. If I had tried for a VBAC, it would have ruptured. His life, as well as mine, would have more than likely been lost. I've taken Seth's gut feeling very seriously ever since then. My baby boy was born covered in white hair. It was hilarious. I burst into tears and said "I LOVE having babies!" And then I said "he looks exactly like your grandfather!" :) Funny the little things you remember. Caden was a tough baby. Or should I say life was tough when he was a baby. Seth worked 2 jobs and was busy from 8am - 2am the following day. We were going through a tough transition. I was quickly realizing Seth wasn't the person I thought he was when we married, and vice versa. We had 2 boys, 16 months apart. I was very much a single mother....emotionally, more than financially or physically. Caden was diagnosed with allergies early on. And I didn't "get" him. He wasn't like me. He has the exact personality of Seth. And that was hard for me to accept. I spent the first 4 years of his life always a little offended. He didn't talk openly to me. He didn't want to cuddle on the couch. He wasn't self-motivated. He didn't care about making people laugh. He was completely and utterly independent. Or so I thought. But of course God gives us what He knows is best for us. I have been stretched in so many ways. Caden feels love differently than I do, or any of our other children do. I've had to learn this new way of showing him love. And he shows love differently. And I've had to learn to put away my selfish desires for a child who totally depends on me emotionally, and learn to connect and bond with a child who can seem very distant at times. It's him. It's the person God created him to be. He is fearfully and wonderfully made. And I love it. I never had to love Silas less, so I would have room to love Caden. God opened up a whole new portion of my heart that He created only for this child.

He has a dry sense of humor. Is allergic to dairy, eggs, kiwi, and wool. He's our animal lover. Dreams about superheroes. Is a puzzle genius. Requires the most sleep. Is braver than his big brother. Doesn't feel he has anything to prove. And loves shoulder to shoulder time. Sit beside him (without cuddling and asking him a million times if something is wrong or if we can hold hands. hehe...) and watch a movie. Or just sit in the driveway as he rides his bike. Or hand him a paint brush. Or listen as he yells out answers to math problems that his big brother is struggling with. He's in love with girls. Has been in the ER twice. Can be best buddies with his little sister. Asks if I sleep with my bra on, and if I put a new one on every day. :) And will sob uncontrollably at the end of the 2nd Lady and the Tramp when Tramp's son (the puppy) is stuck in the cage at night and is scared. This child has taught me way more than I've taught him. Can't believe he's 5.

My Nightstand

I've been in a book mood. We're approaching the end of summer (my very least favorite season), gearing up for school, and making more frequent trips back to the library. There's not much enjoyable about snuggling up with 3 sweaty kids on the couch to read for 30 minutes. The Mr. has to be in bed by 9pm to get sufficient sleep before his alarm goes off at 1:30am for work. And I am a NIGHT OWL. This has been a somewhat stretching experience for me, to say the least. :) So I've been trying to read. We crank the window air conditioner unit and I put on a teeny tiny light. Here's the stack I've been going through. I find it hard to read just one book, beginning to end. Because my mood changes by the night (poor Seth), I'm never in the mood to read the same thing two nights in a row. Thus the stack. 

- Almost Amish - this is the story of a family that goes from high class activities and enjoying a successful physician's paycheck, to completely simplifying their entire lifestyle. Very inspiring. And the cover is GORGEOUS.

- Bringing Up Bebe - from the library. One woman's account of the different ways in which French parents raise their children. Eye opening! But hard to not think "I wish so-and-so would read this...." while you're reading it :)

- Julia's Hope - I am NOT a fiction girl. CANNOT stand fiction. But this, I like. Because it may or may not be about a young mom during the Great Depression who has to pick weeds in the backyard to feed her family. Not that I'm in to that sort of thing or anything..... ;)

- The Backyard Homestead - more of a reference manual. They share step by step plans how a family of 4 could live off the land on as little as 1/10 of an acre. Astonishing.

- The Dirty Life - one of my all time favorites. Reading it for the 3rd time. A writer from NYC meets a farmer living off the grid. They fall in love. She leaves the city. True story. Ahhhh.....

- Real Marriage - Driscoll's new book on sex, friendship, and life together. Driscoll has been a favorite of Seth's for a few years, so I kind of got it to show him my support. I never expected to actually like the book. LOVE their writing style. LOVE their openness. Would recommend it to any married couple.

- The Homemade Pantry - a mother's day gift. They know me too well. 101 foods you can stop buying and start making. Her descriptions of the recipes themselves will melt your heart. I love her. And her food. Photography is AMAZING. Will be pouring over it for years.

How my mother ruined me

This whole moving experience has been exhausting. I don't remember it being this stressful 6 years ago. But then again, I only had a baby. We've been learning tons. And have gotten frustrated. And have been blown away by how evident God's hand has been. I specifically prayed for that. We really didn't think any of this would actually work out, so I prayed that God would make Himself VERY evident. Thanks for the listening ear, Lord. :) In the midst of it all, I've been forced to look back over the past 6 years, and wonder what the next 6 will be like. That's when I realized my mother ruined me. I have a very vivid, clear memory. Growing up, our home was ALWAYS clean. Of course there were a few times when Jamie's room was messy, (grin) but we were never allowed to go to bed with it looking like that. There was ALWAYS dinner. There was never a "well, can you just have another bowl of cereal?" Or a "here's bread and butter". My children probably take comfort in those words, whereas I had never heard them in my childhood. The grass was always mowed. Every single room was decorated, vaccuumed, and dusted. She NEVER sat and watched tv during the day. She was rarely on the phone. Internet didn't exist. I never had to climb over a 4 inch pile of shoes, socks and toys in the car to get my seatbelt on. Our clothes were clean and put away, unless of course my dad got home first and hung our bras on the ceiling fan. In other words, my memories were far different than my own kid's memories will be. And I hate that. She ruined me. Her standard was way too high. Of course I don't remember the "poor" days. Days spent filling the holes of the pickup with old underwear so they wouldn't arrive at church covered in dust. Or days upon days of eating deer meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner because there wasn't money for anything else. I have no memory of those times. As far back as I remember, whenever I was struggling with something, she'd softly sing "Count Your Blessings". It probably annoyed me. But after I birthed my own daughter, I quietly sang those words each and every night. She's 3 1/2 now and won't go to bed without it. But tonight was different. She sang along. And I was swimming in tears. For some reason I never expected it. Didn't think it meant all that much to her. I just did it as a reminder.... for myself. But instead it's ingrained in her mind as a memory. And I wasn't even trying. It made me think about all of those memories I have, and wondered how many of those were made on purpose. Such conviction. It's not the memories that I'm trying to force, but rather my daily motions. That's what they'll remember. Thanks for ruining me, mom. :)

We're moving!

July would've been our 6th anniversary in this house. 6 freakin' years! Silas was 3 months old when we moved in. We had a nursery....and a guest room! We promised each other we'd "stick it out" for two years. We'd "make due" with another town house. We'd be super disciplined, and suffer. ;) If you had told me we'd be here nearly 6 whole years, I would've collapsed into a pile of tears. But then life struck. Job changes, car changes, church changes, adding a baby, and then another. New friendships made, old friendships lost. Meeting wonderful neighbors. Calling the cops on others. Fights. Ohhhhh, the fights. The tears. The birthdays. The surprises. The LOVE. Growing. Taking a few steps back. Feeling defeated. Finding success. It all happened here. Am I excited to move? You shouldn't have to ask. My husband heard his sobbing wife on the phone when I said "our offer was accepted....we got the house." I am elated. My kids will have a yard. My kids will have a FREAKIN' YARD!

I captured the moment....

...discovered an "m" on my side of the bed. they explained it standed for "mom", in case I forgot where I sleep.....

...."d" is for dad :)

....the very rough draft of this year's schedule...

....our school cabinet completely cleaned out and ready for a new year's worth of books...

....the ones we're done with!

this perfectly describes her....all pink and frilly, digging in the mud :)

I made deodorant using this....

and these. it's lovely and actually works! :)

a gap

Believe it or not, we've finished our school year. Starting in July can have that affect. ;) Being advocates of classical education but no where near seasoned enough to do it by myself, I chose to follow the schedule and curriculum choices that Easy Classical set out. A woman I highly respect suggested it and it exceeded my expectations. It's a fool-proof system and they laid everything out for me. As we have committed to take this entire journey on a year-by-year basis, I have planned to use it for our next school year (kindergarten and first grade). The one thing I've been struggling with is what to do now. I've considered jumping into our next school year. When I think about when we'd finish, and then choosing to continue on with the next year, I have horrible visions of being one of "those" people. You know. Having a 6 year old in 4th grade???? :) And then I heard about the gap year. High school students who are either ahead on credits or need a year of maturing before heading off to college choose to travel. Study abroad. Apprentice with a veterinarian. Anything, really. So, that's what I've chosen to do from March - August. These will be our "gap months". :) One of the things I LOVE about being the teacher AND the mom is that I know each one of their strengths and weaknesses. And because I'm scared to death about what first grade might bring, and how an almost 5 year old will handle the rigors of kindergarten the classical way, we are taking a step back in order to lay an extra foundation. How quickly can he read that book and yet still comprehend it? They became pretty sloppy with those math flashcards.... maybe we can work for accuracy. Sure they completed their work, but sighs and rolling of the eyes also accompanied it. This is what our gap months will be for. I started wavering in my ability to complete it all in a day. Maybe I could use some straightening up as well. If we cut back the responsibility load, in essence those things that are left over should have much more time devoted to them. Hopefully resulting in accuracy, efficiency, and a respectful and obedient spirit. I also made a list. I make lists for everything, and I'm one of those people that has to add 3 items to the list that have already been accomplished solely for the sheer joy of crossing them off. :) But this list was different. What are the common sense things they'd learn if they were in "real" school? I think we, as homeschoolers, tend to fall short at times. That's why we end up holding a tissue to the nose of the 11 year old and demand them to "blow". All of those little every day accomplishments that are done quicker if they're done by me. But if they were in "real" school, they'd have to take responsibility and do it themselves. Hence my list. What do I want them to accomplish this year, besides academics. Even if it takes an entire month to learn one new skill, we can still accomplish 12 before the year is over! And one more thing I'm hoping to accomplish during our gap months.... my home! July will mark the 6th anniversary of moving in. I can't even believe that's a reality. Our goal was to stick it out for two years. And then life smacked us in the face. :) But as we get our ducks back in a row, we'd really really REALLY love to be living somewhere else next year. In my ultra analytical planner mind, I figured I have approximately 11 months to purge, clean, re-organize, paint, replace carpet/blinds/moldings, and the list goes on.... That's hard to do when the kids are 3, 4, and 5 and you're homeschooling preschool, K5 and 1st! :) Thus, these glorious gap months. :) Who knows. We may even tip-toe near the edge of normal and wait to schedule "back to school" night until September. :)