Wednesday, August 15, 2012

On his 5th birthday...

The 14th of this month marked 5 years. We had prayed for this baby. Night after night of asking God to bless us with another life. How quickly I became pregnant again. Tears of joy after reading those results. Just pure excitement. Absolutely perfect pregnancy. Planning on a VBAC. And at 26 weeks Seth confesses that he doesn't feel peace about it. For some reason, he just didn't think that was the best decision for us. So after all the work I did to find a doctor who would take the risk to deliver a VBAC baby 16 months after a c-section, I called up my original OB and we scheduled a cesarean. I was too afraid to not follow his gut instinct. We had chosen the name Logan in the case that I was carrying a boy. It was sophisticated. Preppy. Everything we assumed our 2nd baby would be. But something weird happened on the day of the ultrasound. We saw the color orange. And rock climbing. I can't explain it. I know we're weird. But we both walked out of there knowing this child was not meant to be named Logan. So then we settled on Owen. But problem #2 arose. We live in the Owen J. Roberts school district. We already determined this baby's middle name was going to be John, after my father-in-law. So having a child named Owen John Roberts was just weird. So we dove into baby name books for weeks. And settled on Caden. It was the only name that we could agree on. Neither one of us had a bad association with someone named Caden. :) The morning that we left for my scheduled c-section, we tiptoed into Silas' room to say goodbye and I lost it. I felt as though we were ruining his life. He would no longer get the same amount of attention that he had grown accustomed to. And I was scared. Quite frankly I doubted that I could love another child as much as I loved my first. I didn't want to have to love him less, in order to have more room in my heart to love the next one. And I was scared to death to go through another cesarean. The first one was a piece of cake. I had labored for 24 hours and I would've blown that child out of my nose if I had to. But this was so different. I was well rested. Not quite 38 weeks along. Still very comfortable. And I knew what to expect. Thankfully excitement ruled fear, and his delivery went flawlessly. Except for one part. My OB leaned over the blue curtain with sharp tools in his hands to say it was a darn good thing I had another section. The wall of my uterus was paper thin. He put the pressure of a butter knife on it and it tore right open. If I had tried for a VBAC, it would have ruptured. His life, as well as mine, would have more than likely been lost. I've taken Seth's gut feeling very seriously ever since then. My baby boy was born covered in white hair. It was hilarious. I burst into tears and said "I LOVE having babies!" And then I said "he looks exactly like your grandfather!" :) Funny the little things you remember. Caden was a tough baby. Or should I say life was tough when he was a baby. Seth worked 2 jobs and was busy from 8am - 2am the following day. We were going through a tough transition. I was quickly realizing Seth wasn't the person I thought he was when we married, and vice versa. We had 2 boys, 16 months apart. I was very much a single mother....emotionally, more than financially or physically. Caden was diagnosed with allergies early on. And I didn't "get" him. He wasn't like me. He has the exact personality of Seth. And that was hard for me to accept. I spent the first 4 years of his life always a little offended. He didn't talk openly to me. He didn't want to cuddle on the couch. He wasn't self-motivated. He didn't care about making people laugh. He was completely and utterly independent. Or so I thought. But of course God gives us what He knows is best for us. I have been stretched in so many ways. Caden feels love differently than I do, or any of our other children do. I've had to learn this new way of showing him love. And he shows love differently. And I've had to learn to put away my selfish desires for a child who totally depends on me emotionally, and learn to connect and bond with a child who can seem very distant at times. It's him. It's the person God created him to be. He is fearfully and wonderfully made. And I love it. I never had to love Silas less, so I would have room to love Caden. God opened up a whole new portion of my heart that He created only for this child.

He has a dry sense of humor. Is allergic to dairy, eggs, kiwi, and wool. He's our animal lover. Dreams about superheroes. Is a puzzle genius. Requires the most sleep. Is braver than his big brother. Doesn't feel he has anything to prove. And loves shoulder to shoulder time. Sit beside him (without cuddling and asking him a million times if something is wrong or if we can hold hands. hehe...) and watch a movie. Or just sit in the driveway as he rides his bike. Or hand him a paint brush. Or listen as he yells out answers to math problems that his big brother is struggling with. He's in love with girls. Has been in the ER twice. Can be best buddies with his little sister. Asks if I sleep with my bra on, and if I put a new one on every day. :) And will sob uncontrollably at the end of the 2nd Lady and the Tramp when Tramp's son (the puppy) is stuck in the cage at night and is scared. This child has taught me way more than I've taught him. Can't believe he's 5.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

My Nightstand

I've been in a book mood. We're approaching the end of summer (my very least favorite season), gearing up for school, and making more frequent trips back to the library. There's not much enjoyable about snuggling up with 3 sweaty kids on the couch to read for 30 minutes. The Mr. has to be in bed by 9pm to get sufficient sleep before his alarm goes off at 1:30am for work. And I am a NIGHT OWL. This has been a somewhat stretching experience for me, to say the least. :) So I've been trying to read. We crank the window air conditioner unit and I put on a teeny tiny light. Here's the stack I've been going through. I find it hard to read just one book, beginning to end. Because my mood changes by the night (poor Seth), I'm never in the mood to read the same thing two nights in a row. Thus the stack. 

- Almost Amish - this is the story of a family that goes from high class activities and enjoying a successful physician's paycheck, to completely simplifying their entire lifestyle. Very inspiring. And the cover is GORGEOUS.

- Bringing Up Bebe - from the library. One woman's account of the different ways in which French parents raise their children. Eye opening! But hard to not think "I wish so-and-so would read this...." while you're reading it :)

- Julia's Hope - I am NOT a fiction girl. CANNOT stand fiction. But this, I like. Because it may or may not be about a young mom during the Great Depression who has to pick weeds in the backyard to feed her family. Not that I'm in to that sort of thing or anything..... ;)

- The Backyard Homestead - more of a reference manual. They share step by step plans how a family of 4 could live off the land on as little as 1/10 of an acre. Astonishing.

- The Dirty Life - one of my all time favorites. Reading it for the 3rd time. A writer from NYC meets a farmer living off the grid. They fall in love. She leaves the city. True story. Ahhhh.....

- Real Marriage - Driscoll's new book on sex, friendship, and life together. Driscoll has been a favorite of Seth's for a few years, so I kind of got it to show him my support. I never expected to actually like the book. LOVE their writing style. LOVE their openness. Would recommend it to any married couple.

- The Homemade Pantry - a mother's day gift. They know me too well. 101 foods you can stop buying and start making. Her descriptions of the recipes themselves will melt your heart. I love her. And her food. Photography is AMAZING. Will be pouring over it for years.