Friday, April 29, 2011

Part Three - the finale

God created Seth and I for each other. He orchestrated my up-bringing, my lifestyle, my likes and dislikes, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals and my dreams to prepare me for this moment in time. I will not apologize for the way I was raised, or the fact that I lost my dad, or where I hope to be in 10 years. I was not created to be you. I was not meant to have the husband that you have. I was not meant to have the amount of patience, or knowledge, or opinions that you possess. I am a rather out-spoken person, but I do not use my blog to vent. I stated in Part One that it took me two months to decide whether or not I wanted to share the reality of what was going on in our home. Seth has approved of every word that I have written. I haven't said a bad word about him, or what church we go to, or our childhood memories, or where he works. But I have been honest. Circumstances are not what brought us to our breaking point. It wouldn't've mattered where we lived, or how quickly we started a family, or how my husband made a living. If you took offense to what I have written, I am sorry. If the way I choose to blog doesn't seem appropriate to you, feel free to stop reading. :) The reality is, we are two sinful people. I got married with a lot of baggage. But guess what? He did too. I will never share what happened. Therefore, I don't necessarily think it should be your job to assume you know who was at fault and what would make it all better.
TO THE REST OF YOU (wink wink):
My oh my how nice it has been to know that YOU have also walked this path of darkness! Christians can make mistakes, huh!? :) WHO KNEW??? I am so tired of legalism, and status. Never knew there were so many people out there who felt it was their Christian duty to hide what they were struggling with. Some people are really private. I get that. I don't think it's wrong. I don't think everybody has to know your "business". But it sure is neat to shed a little bit of light on reality, and to stop pretending that you're perfect. :) Thank you for assuring me that we are not alone, and for also giving really good advice on how to keep growing!
Whew. What a whirlwind of blog posts! To recap in short.... We were considering divorce in January and February. Not last week. At this present moment we are deeply in love and fighting hard to make the "wrongs", "rights". He did not quit his job because I couldn't handle his traveling schedule. He quit his job because a) he knew it wasn't what God had created him to do, b) he felt he couldn't be the influential father that he desired to be, while living life on the road every other week of the year c) the unique set of circumstances that we found ourselves in made it impossible for us to work on the weak areas of our marriage without him actually being at home. I do not think that a man traveling for business is wrong. There are plenty of men "bringing home the bacon" and still thriving with a wife and kids. Let's not forget the amount of men serving our country, and therefore being absent from their families. But what is right for one family is not always right for another.
Sooooo very glad all of this is OVER! :) I have a million other things I want to blog about. Our preschool homeschooling year is coming to a close, we've completely changed the direction we were heading in for kindergarten, I've started reading an amazing book about raising sons, and I have a whole new respect for all those moms of the piano students I used to have. Silas is in piano lessons and violin lessons now, and the fate of his next lesson is completely dependent on ME! Ugh. I now know why some of those kids failed, and some flourished. FYI for those of you sweating right now....the kids who "failed" don't have moms who read this blog, so you and your reputation are very safe. :)
I am Megan. I was homeschooled and my father was killed tragically when I was 19 years old. I gave birth to 3 babies within the span of 2 1/2 years. My husband and I have been through a really rough time and have come out of it better people. I type my opinions freely and my struggles unashamedly. If you don't like it, find another blog to follow! :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Part Two

Well I wasn't proven wrong! I thought I'd better jump on here real quick and share some more before I continued to be bombarded with emails! #1: we are still married! #2: we have NO plans on divorcing. #3: thanks for caring enough to check in on me and write your own words of wisdom. :) I am not ready to share the personal details of what happened. Another thing I haven't decided on yet is how much I want to share about what we've learned in counseling. It sounds like such a wonderful, sincere effort to make, but I need to be cautious that no one else is hurt by what I share here. One thing I have learned is that you forgive, and forgive, and forgive, and forgive, and forgive. And forgive again. Another very interesting fact. Did you know that you can both be raised in loving, Christ-centered homes and yet grow into adulthood, get married, and still serve a very different God than your spouse? NEWS FLASH! That one just about blew me out of the water. One of us has "accepted the God of our earthly father", and yet one has not. Can you guess who is who??? Hehe... :) We both serve the same Creator, but our idea of that Creator is sooooo completely different. Who knew!? Not us! You know what else I realized? I am so.utterly.sick. of husband bashers. And competitive momma's! We started out on such a good foot. No tv, we prayed together every night, we even (please don't gag) made it a point to brush our teeth together every single night. And then you buy a house, and worry about what the other young wife is going to think about your decorating ability. And then you get cable tv, and stay up late watching shows that convince you every man on earth is a rich, sexy jerk and every woman needs to be able to fill a D cup. You become dissatisfied. The babies start coming and now you're wondering if yours are wearing the right thing, if you're nursing the right way, if you're reading enough books, if they're memorizing enough scripture, if they wipe their own bum after they poop. Then you get a promotion, and a nicer car, and start shopping for bigger houses. We both say we were the happiest when we had no money and no internet and no car bill and no freakin' cable tv. Do you know why? There was less temptation, and less stress, and less distraction. I seriously don't think the phrase "the honeymoon is over" has anything to do with the amount of years you've been married. I think it has everything to do with the other things you let into your marriage. I loved my house and my furniture until I started reading blogs. He loved his old job until he found out that there's more money to be made elsewhere. I "needed" to redecorate so I was a worthy blog to read, and he "needed" to work more to pay for the motorcycle and bigger house. which, by the way, never ended up happening because we started the stupid dave ramsey program. :) What would happen if you were handed an older car and moved into a smaller home without magazines, tv, or internet. And you couldn't go to target. :) My life would change. Drastically. And what about freakin' facebook!? Do you know how many times a day I check to see what you're wearing, how much weight your husband has gained, if you sat your kid in front of the tv at all, and what color you just painted your bedroom? I'm just sick of it all. I want my kids to be smart and advanced and mature. Do you know what that has resulted in? I can't even look at them without seeing a booger, or fingernails that need to be trimmed, or an outfit that doesn't match. We live our lives trying to impress people we don't even like! And look where it has gotten us. I took a week off of facebook, just to see if it would effect me. No blogs, no facebook, and no (my guilty pleasure of being freaked out that the world is coming to an end by 5pm because of all the "record storm outbreaks!" notifications flashing at the top of the screen) for a week. I was calmer, enjoyed every moment more, and learned how desperately I need to LIVE my life instead of wasting time watching you live yours. Our husbands need wives who aren't so keenly aware that the guy down the road is pulling in three figures and just completed P90x. We need husbands who put God and family first, not their job....or their paycheck....or their hobby....or their very real desire for skin and boobs and long legs. :) My husband once traveled with a man in the same business. They were discussing how much time they had spent away from their families. My hubby hadn't been home in three weeks, but the other man "won" because he had been gone for six. Seriously? You're okay with that? You men out there that are so desperate to climb the ladder and provide for your families....what are you providing other than a paycheck? Money is not everything. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Do you know how many families out there are losing the hearts of their children because they're too busy with "the ministry"? And do you know how many very wealthy, successful men have pulled my hubby aside and quietly said that it wasn't worth it? They now have kids who are grown and too involved in their own lives to care to keep a relationship with their father, and a wife who got too used to her independence and money to need her man for anything.
We are going to attempt a retracing of our steps. When did we get lazy? And let distractions in? And stop caring? Our priorities are so out of line. All because we care about what you think. :) Because it's cooler to say that you were at the gym for an hour today, instead of saying you read your Bible for an hour today. A marriage has suffered. Badly. By God's grace we have started the healing process. I LOVED the text I got last night from a friend that reminded me that I CAN'T make this marriage work, but He can. For us, it's now a matter of eliminating the distractions, one by one, so we can see Him clearly. The road ahead seems so long. But we made a promise. My life is not my own.

To be continued, yet again....yes, there's more...

Friday, April 22, 2011

My life is not my own...

This has been my ever present motto for the past three weeks. It took me two months to figure out if I wanted to open myself up and share with the blog world what's been going on. Still not sure that I want to. But, the last time I was real with all of you, I had an overwhelming response of emails stating you had walked that same road. Why is it that you don't know what's really going on in lives until those lives have ended? What's the harm in being honest? Would it be encouraging if you knew I was going through the same thing that you're afraid to admit is happening in your own life? I would take ANYONE like that, right now. The past year has been rough. I told my hubby last night that I really truly believed that our hardest years would be while we were adding more babies into our family. Ha! How can you go from such a like-minded, passionate love, to phone conversations that end with the certainty that things will never be the same. Funny thing is, we've had the same problems since the second week of marriage. You'd think we'd learn! Now after 6 1/2 years of thinking you can work it out "one more time...", you crash. Fall. Afraid at any moment the emotions will make you literally sick. I remember saying "I have to get off the phone. I think I'm going to throw up." Why do we always think we can handle things on our own strength? Lest you be deceived, Seth and I brought a pretty equal amount of baggage into this marriage. One is definitely not more at fault than the other. It takes two. I guess I was just surprised at how much WORK all of this is. The best words of advice I was given before our wedding day was "Everyone takes months to prepare for the wedding, but no one prepares for the marriage." Indeed! Quitting is so tempting. I am not strong enough to fight. I used to be, but I think I lost it the day my dad was killed. I'm not competitive, or strong, or in the mood to fight for what I know is right. And that's wrong. I know it. And then the voices in your head start emerging. "You know what the Bible says, but that's not what you're capable of, humanly speaking." I couldn't wait for him to leave for another business trip. He dreaded coming home. One night we quietly agreed that he should just stay there. But the images of three little children growing up without a father were too overwhelming....for both of us. So....we have sought counsel. He has quit his job. And we are probably relocating. You wouldn't say that's too drastic, would you? :) We have three children who need a godly example of what marriage should be, and we have to keep the covenant that we made before God on our wedding day. My life is not my own.

To be continued....