My life is not my own...

This has been my ever present motto for the past three weeks. It took me two months to figure out if I wanted to open myself up and share with the blog world what's been going on. Still not sure that I want to. But, the last time I was real with all of you, I had an overwhelming response of emails stating you had walked that same road. Why is it that you don't know what's really going on in lives until those lives have ended? What's the harm in being honest? Would it be encouraging if you knew I was going through the same thing that you're afraid to admit is happening in your own life? I would take ANYONE like that, right now. The past year has been rough. I told my hubby last night that I really truly believed that our hardest years would be while we were adding more babies into our family. Ha! How can you go from such a like-minded, passionate love, to phone conversations that end with the certainty that things will never be the same. Funny thing is, we've had the same problems since the second week of marriage. You'd think we'd learn! Now after 6 1/2 years of thinking you can work it out "one more time...", you crash. Fall. Afraid at any moment the emotions will make you literally sick. I remember saying "I have to get off the phone. I think I'm going to throw up." Why do we always think we can handle things on our own strength? Lest you be deceived, Seth and I brought a pretty equal amount of baggage into this marriage. One is definitely not more at fault than the other. It takes two. I guess I was just surprised at how much WORK all of this is. The best words of advice I was given before our wedding day was "Everyone takes months to prepare for the wedding, but no one prepares for the marriage." Indeed! Quitting is so tempting. I am not strong enough to fight. I used to be, but I think I lost it the day my dad was killed. I'm not competitive, or strong, or in the mood to fight for what I know is right. And that's wrong. I know it. And then the voices in your head start emerging. "You know what the Bible says, but that's not what you're capable of, humanly speaking." I couldn't wait for him to leave for another business trip. He dreaded coming home. One night we quietly agreed that he should just stay there. But the images of three little children growing up without a father were too overwhelming....for both of us. So....we have sought counsel. He has quit his job. And we are probably relocating. You wouldn't say that's too drastic, would you? :) We have three children who need a godly example of what marriage should be, and we have to keep the covenant that we made before God on our wedding day. My life is not my own.

To be continued....