Back...with a purpose.

I took the month of December to contemplate myself. My life. My family. My God. Not sure I'm ready to write again, but we're snowed in with nothing else to do. :) Blogging is a dangerous thing. A few weeks ago I tried to explain to my friend's daughter what a blog was. I said "Well, it's kind of like a diary that the whole world can read". She wrinkled up her nose and said "why would anyone want to do that!?" Hm. Never thought of it that way. When you blog consistently for a while you start convincing yourself that your blog matters. That it's making a difference. That people can't go on without you. The riskiest thing is how it makes you believe that everyone else's blog is the same way. They matter. They are making a difference. That you can't go on without them. I needed to step away. I've made New Year's Goals for myself from the age of 11. I'm a go-getter. A self-motivator. A high-achiever. I like to do as much as I can, in as little amount of time as possible. That is both a strength and a weakness. Instead of compiling a list of 20 things "to do" this year, I tried to think about what was really important. I'd rather do 5 things REALLY well, then feel like a failure from not accomplishing 20. Blogging didn't make the list. :) I've had some amazing things happen in the past month. God put a dear friend in my path to teach me sooooo much about myself and my marriage. I normally don't get along with girls, so this was huge. :) I registered to do a half marathon in May. This just seems insane to me, but I'm training hard and already paid the $$, so the damage is done. Trying to care less about my little life online and take more time to nurture my "real" life here at home. I realized I cannot attend every church service, or every Bible study, and still be a good Godly wife and mom. It's impossible for me. And I refuse to put my church and my "ministries" above my husband and kids. So I'm letting some things go. In 10 years from now, what will matter? My personal relationship with God. The level of emotional intimacy with my husband. Whether or not we have our kid's hearts and if my children are well educated. If we handled our finances well. And whether or not I'm still running on the treadmill. :) Friends are a bonus. Bible study with the girls is a bonus. Making hair bows is a bonus. I had been doing it all wrong. The fun stuff, the bonuses, were coming first. My family has suffered, my weight has suffered, my house has suffered. Trying to reorganize and switch some things around. I caught myself a few weeks ago. It was a quiet morning at home and I was youtube-ing Beth Moore. I kept yelling at the kids "go watch a movie! here's a snack! let mommy watch this!" because I thought it would make me a better woman. Who am I kidding? Of all of my memories growing up, did you know that I don't have a single memory of leaving for church on a Sunday morning with the house in shambles? Or my mom stressed about what she was wearing or how her hair was done? Or going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink? Or her not being showered and dressed in time to start school after breakfast? Not a single memory! Why can't I just get it together!? Maybe because I keep taking in all the free, unwanted furniture on craigslist before it dawns on me I have no room for the stuff. Or MAYBE because of all the time I spend on BLOGS! :) I've stated my point. Now I qualify for neglecting my family....again. ;)