Healing

I have been quiet, and I have been hurting. Inconvenient health problems cropped up towards the end of the summer and instead of starting an investigative hunt, we cranked the stress up a notch. Today I am slumped on the couch in a state of worry, fully getting what I deserved. ;) Constantly in this realm of concern and anxiety....waiting on doctors, waiting on test results......thinking maybe it's all in my head. And then a new month starts and I'm reminded that this is my reality. I opened the Word this morning, guilty that it's no longer a habit. I had prayed first. Prayed for wisdom. Prayed for healing. Prayed for my children. I had then turned the tables, to read what He had written for me, and I sneezed. Oh my heavens the pain. I doubled over with the sensation that my abdomen had been torn in two. Slam! I shut my Bible and picked up the phone. Your turn is over, Lord! I'm in pain now, so I need my husband. :) It's so interesting to me how easy it is to come to the Father while things are going well. I trust you Lord, because right now at this very moment things are great! How I hope God has a great sense of humor, because I'm certain He gets a big kick out of me. :) I am a control freak by nature. If I can't research it, or don't have an answer for it, it must not exist. I have used Google, family, friends, and 3 different doctors offices.....one mainstream, one ultra-holistic, and another somewhere in the middle.....and no one can figure out how best to address this. But there HAS to be an answer. And then I HAVE to be able to fix this by juicing large amounts of kale. :) Or maybe Chakra's are the answer. I've done a little bit of research about those as well, and my chakra's symptoms are linked to bitterness, fear of abandonement, and financial instability. Sounds pretty legit to me! Haha! But deep down, I needed to be reminded that there is only one Healer. He is already aware of what's wrong, what needs to be done to fix it, and how it's going to affect my family and I.

Proverbs 3:7b-8a

"...fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body...."

Psalm 147:3

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

James 5:15

"And the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up...."

too much caffeine = you need to hear about my weekend!

What a weekend. We traveled south for the husband's 10 year high school reunion. We had planned to break an 11 hour trip in half, and find a hotel in virginia. Evidently every major university along route 81 was preparing for their last football game of the season because a 5 hour hunt for a vacant room ended in us reaching our final destination at 6:15am the next morning. There was no room in the inn.....or in any inn, for that matter. We stopped at every Marriott from the top of Virginia to the bottom of North Carolina without any luck. If college football is this big of a deal, I think I'd better jump on the band wagon. Who knew!? We stumbled into "grandma's" house at 6:15am and went straight to bed. Ohhhhh how I love being there! Between the built-in babysitters and the 2 minute drive to Starbucks and Hobby Lobby, it's truly heaven on earth. I had been informed of the 10 year reunion back in July. In true female fashion I had a strategic plan to lose 20 pounds. Instead, I think I gained 7. As if a 10 year reunion isn't bad enough, try filling a room with pencil-thin southern belles. We came in 2nd place as the couple who had been married the longest, and tied for 1st as the couple who had birthed the most children since high school! I think that deserved a reward, no? Instead I sulked to the car and vented "I was the chubby wife with the mom hair cut who looked exhausted!" My adoring husband knew that laughing at me, rather than with me, at that moment was his best option. He treated me to a nice restaurant and we ordered dessert to go so I could eat it in privacy with my sweatpants on. ;) ANYHOO..... this was not the point of this post!

What's up with all these single, God-fearing, successful young men???? We know multiple here at home and I had the privilege of meeting two at the reunion. All holding steady jobs..... involved in their churches..... sincere...... good looking. I was brainstorming (during our romantic dinner) and came to a conclusion. My opinions are controversial, I realize that. And most of you will not agree. BUT..... My first reaction was "there must be something inferior about these guys". It's always the man's fault, isn't it? Culture screams it. But as I thought more, I turned the tables on myself. Could it be that there was a generation of girls raised to believe that they could be independent? Successful? And that motherhood was in no way as fulfilling? Who wants to stay at home? Scrubbing yellow poop out of sleepers and going without a shower? There must be something better. There is, actually! You can dress nice, and stay clean, and earn MONEY, and make your own decisions! As shocking as it may sound, I don't believe that this is always wrong. God certainly doesn't call everyone to the same lifestyle. But it does make me sad when I see so many amazing husband-material men, without a woman willing to follow their leadership. I, for one, have never regretted my lack of career. And I won't say I didn't warn you if my own daughter lacks a desire for one as well. :)

Sweet Promises

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father

There is no shadow of turning with Thee

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not

As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest

Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside

Lyrics brought to you by my sheer adoration with old hymns. And because sometimes reading them means more than singing them :)

Eight

Eight years ago tonight, I was running wild with my campers through the grass. We had a late night in the pavilion and were headed to our cabin for pizza. I had survived a few crazy teen weeks and was enjoying this week of younger, sweeter girls. I had been sharing a cabin with another counselor for the summer, but that was the day she went home. My campers were busy in a hot afternoon sun when I ran to grab my phone and make a quick call home. Those were very unusual for me.....for that summer. I wasn't homesick. I wasn't lonely. But for a providential reason, I called home. We talked about my week....their day. I heard everyone's voice. But unknowingly, it was the last moment on this earth that I was able to hear his. I debated blogging about this. Afraid I was sharing someone else's tragedy. Something private. But it's my story, too. Words help to heal my wounds. And so I write. The glass globe in which I lived had only suffered small scratches thus far. I remember telling my mother at the age of 14 that she was ruining my life by teaching me at home. :) There were the phone calls to boys to end relationships. The most severe thing that had wrecked my existence up until this point was the death of my grandmother. I had never experienced death before. I was only 9 years old and I remember crying night after night.... for months. That phone conversation on August 7th, 2003 wasn't exceedingly long. Looking back I wish that I had never hung up the phone. Or that I hadn't been so embarrassed of my unusually strong relationship that I shared with my parents. I may have called home more often.... But who does that? What 19 year old genuinely enjoys the company of her father? Or desires to be with him just as much as anyone else on the face of the planet? I knew that wasn't normal. The life of my friends and peers confirmed it. Isn't God's mercy incredible? That I could endure an entire summer void of middle-of-the-week calls home..... but not this day? This was the day I called home. I slept well that night. August 8th was hot. So much so that they decided to completely arrange a new camp schedule and include a morning swim! I swam with my girls early, and was standing in the pavilion waiting for the change of events when he found me. One of the camp directors. He looked quiet, but not at all emotional. He told me that my grandfather was in the camp office and needed to see me. He must've motioned the counselor that I was talking with to follow me, because I could sense her presence not too far off during that long walk back down the road. Have eight years truly come and gone? Eight years since I've heard his voice. Eight years from the day I heard those words and collapsed in that chair. It's been eight years, and I have never once stepped foot into that camp office again. Eight years since I sat quietly as a passenger in my grandfather's car as he took me home to face my new reality? Eight years since I cried in the arms of my new love until four in the morning just muttering the words "my heart hurts. my heart literally hurts. I just want it to stop hurting....." If I could express to you my love for him, or my perception of his perfection, I would. Oh trust me I would. Never has a daughter loved her father more. Never has a young woman held another man in such high esteem. By God's mercy He allowed me to have 19 years with him. By God's mercy I know without a shadow of a doubt that because of a decision he made at the age of 18 to trust in God ALONE for his salvation, he is in the tender care of my Heavenly Father at this very moment. And by God's mercy He allowed us to share a very unique relationship. One of father-daughter, but also one of best friend and confidant. I cannot express my deep pain. But I also lack the words to express my deep gratitude to Him.

Broken Bones

Psalm 51 was read during the Sunday morning service. My eyes have seen those words before....many times....but they were never felt. It was never personal. Until Sunday. A lump formed in my throat when we read verse 8. "Make me to hear the joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice." Eight years ago my Father allowed my bones to be broken. I still don't understand why. I still don't accept it. I've taken these eight years to harbor anger and bitterness, and I've slowly watched as my faith has slipped away. Willingly. "Sorry God. You had Your chance to prove Yourself. If only You had come through for me..." My broken bones have not rejoiced. May this, dear Lord, be my heart-felt prayer for the next eight.

Using Pennies

In the first year that my husband and I were married, he taught in a small Christian school. Take-home pay was roughly $13,000. :) We had just finished paying for his last semester of college, used wedding money to buy a Mac, moved 12 hours north and bought a house. Many lessons were learned that year, and many mistakes were made. I was pregnant with our first-born and craved water and fruit the entire 9 months. When winter rolled around and my belly was getting bigger, one memory sticks out in my mind more than some of the others. It was a cold quiet evening at home and we were busy paying bills and looking over the budget. I mentioned to my husband how badly I wanted an orange. It was probably about 9pm, and this pregnant woman was bound and determined to leave the house for an orange! After scanning the budget with a fine-toothed comb, I was told we couldn't afford an orange. What? You've got to be kidding me. I was fuming. And hormonal. But he was right. We didn't have the money to purchase an orange. Our grocery budget that year was $35 a week. He didn't receive any meals at work through the school, so this had to last us breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 7 days. We ate a lot of Ramen.....and those teeny tiny frozen pizzas at Aldi's that taste like cardboard. I steered clear of larger chain stores like Giant. Through-out our 6 1/2 years of marriage we've received multiple levels of paychecks. There are always seasons of bounty and seasons of want. My husband asked me to blog about my cheap meals. :) So, without any further explanation, here are my favorite top tips:

1. Research meat-less meals. This sounds so obvious, but it really does make a huge difference. Look on the bright side. You really don't need all those gross hormones and antibiotics they pumped that animal with anyway. :)

2. Learn how to make rice! And I don't mean the instant kind. You don't need a rice cooker, either. A little oil, a little water, and a little rice can go a long way in making you feel full for pennies. My husband has perfected it. My kids have learned to love it. And we can use it every night if we're in a pinch.

3. Eliminate all animal products. If you have to add milk to the muffins, or cheese to the top, or an egg to the meatloaf, don't make it! Animal products ( along with processed/packaged crap) add in most of the expense of the meal.

4. Don't ever run out of onions or garlic. :) You can eat rice and veggies or potatoes and veggies every.single.night as long as you have these two secrets ingredients. But please purchase the actual garlic....not the minced variety in the jar. If you only use one clove a day, it really lasts a long time.

5. Water down all of your drinks. My kids (ages 5, 3, and 2) still have their cups filled 3/4 with water and 1/4 with juice. They're so used to it that they don't notice the difference. When I make KoolAid as a special treat or when friends are coming to play, I use the "two quart" recipe, but actually mix it up in a gallon pitcher. It's a little weaker, but you still get the fun color and the sweet taste.

6. I'm afraid I've lost all of my readers by now. :)

7. Make it yourself. Everything. Duh.

8. Make snack plates for lunch. Set out the number of plates you need for you and your kids, and then hunt the pantry or the back of the fridge for whatever is going bad. Carrot sticks, half a handful of raisins, the bottom crumbs of the pretzel bag, 4 pieces of cereal, a few pickles, and some apple slices can go a LONG way.

9. Don't plan your meals or impulse buy. I always spend more when my meals are planned because I have to get a million different ingredients for 7 different meals. Instead, take your grocery budget in CASH form to a discount outlet and just stock up. Every night I just "create" meals by what I have, instead of planning to make a recipe that I've forgotten an ingredient for.

10. Our favorite way to eat for pennies: Sautee half of an onion and one clove of garlic in a small amount of oil in a large pot on your stovetop. Take whatever leftover potatoes you find covered in dust or spuds on the floor of your pantry and cut them up into inch-long cubes. Seal the pot with a big heavy lid and just wait. When you expect your potatoes to be about halfway done, throw a large bag of frozen broccoli on top and seal again with the lid. Your potatoes are cooking and your broccoli is steaming. :) Serve with salt and pepper. It's DIVINE!

I hope I haven't a) grossed anyone out by the fact that I water down KoolAid and b) made myself sound discontent. I've learned to eat on a budget and find it rather thrilling. :) God has promised to provide for our needs, but I think all too often we expect to find bags of groceries sitting by the front door thanks to a generous anonymous old lady from church. Sometimes God provides the determination and creativity, instead.

Our First Year

2010 - 2011 was our first full year homeschooling. I went into it with a million ideas and expectations. I had my books, and my schedule, and my clock. :) God did a great job keeping me flexible because we changed curriculum after only the first few weeks. :) Preschool, to me, wasn't so much about the education as it was about preparing for kindergarten. I wanted my children to be aware that they would, in fact, be required to sit and listen and heed instruction from time to time. :) It was time to know how to learn things from a book, rather than just hands on. The year was fantastic. Studies were only focused for my then-4-year-old. Everyone else was invited to join in, but just had less of a work load. I learned so much, as did he. He completed the Brain Quest Kindergarten book, started violin and piano lessons, learned how to read and how to count to 100. All of this coming from the child who never took his first steps until 17 months and reacted badly to his MMR, which resulted in not talking until 2 1/2 years old. I'm not being boastful. I know there are other 4 years old who have accomplished so much more. But for my child who would rather vaccuum than do a worksheet, and has overcome many developmental obstacles, I was so proud.