Bottle It Up

This is what I do. I'm good at it. I keep shoving it and shoving it until I can't shove anymore. Then I explode. That's what happened last weekend. I've always been very honest with you. Strange thing is, I'm having a really hard time doing it now. I think the wounds are too deep, and have never been taken care of. I carried my babies and bought groceries at the same little store that my mama carried her babies and bought groceries in. I walked down the steps, through the hall, and opened the door to drop my little girl off at the nursery on Sunday morning. My mom made those same steps, week after week, with me. We took a little drive up a dirt road that lead to the first house I've ever lived in. I guess living a life that doesn't contain history is really pretty easy. The hard part comes when you are given the chance to travel back in time and relive old memories. I held it together in public, thank goodness. But when the sermon was over, and the congregation was asked to sing "It Is Well", I had to up and leave. I couldn't do it. I almost gagged on the words. It is not well with my soul. Maybe a new boyfriend, and then a fiance, and then building a new marriage, and then popping out 3 of my own babies was enough to keep me busy. I don't know. For whatever reason, I am wrestling with God right now. A dear friend has assured me that it's okay. I think it's just a phase. Something new I need to work through. My Heavenly Father brought to my memory the verse He gave me at the beginning of 2003's summer. Romans 5:3-4 says "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope." I thought He had pointed that verse out to me before I met my first week's set of campers in case I had a home-sick little girl who would require an extra ounce of comfort. Little did I know what other circumstances would send me clinging to that passage as well. And here I am, 7 years later, still clinging. Angry and bitter, but still clinging. It's been a rough week. Lots of tears. Today He gave me another verse: Romans 12:12 "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer." Keep 'em coming, God.