Grace, anyone?

I'm not a grace-giver. Don't think I ever have been. I am highly self motivated (although you'd never guess by the state of my home right now) and very opinionated. One of my favorite things I've been learning by this counseling process is grace. My hubby summed it up perfectly the other day. "You've gotten to the point where every time you meet someone who doesn't do things exactly the way you think they need to be done, you say to yourself 'that's okay that you don't agree with me. we really don't have to be friends anyway!'" Ugh. The truth hurts! :) My daily goal in life was to be a better classical pianist and a better classical equestrian. I'd go from lesson to lesson....from competition to competition.....always hearing the same thing. If I cut corners (literally) too often in my riding lessons, my instructor would make me ride the corners deeply enough that my knees would scrape the walls of the indoor arena. After enough bruises you learn very quickly to NOT cut corners! :) My piano teacher (not my mother) would tell me that classical music was harder than brain surgery because at least surgeons had a moment to pause and think about what they were about to do. Musicians weren't allowed to change the timing of the music! And to top it off, I had a father who rose at 4:30am, hiked 5 miles, memorized half the Bible, and was out the door for work by 7. :) For years I made myself live by a set of rules. I just wanted to be better, and succeed. My favorite books of the Bible have always been Galatians, Ephesians, Colossians, and Proverbs. I LOVED the list of rules! Just tell me what to do, or who to be, or how to live....I can just follow the rules! Because of this, I also think every one else should have to live by my set of rules as well. What? You don't make your own bread? You let your children eat store-bought-processed-white-flour-crap? Hm. Guess I'll just cross you off my list. What was that? You have given your child an antibiotic? Um...I had no idea you were such an idiot. Well, there goes our friendship! This is somewhat deeply rooted in my view of God. He's a rule-maker. He's a task master. He'll ruin your life if you screw this one up! I can remember begging and pleading on my knees every Saturday night. I had kissed my boyfriend one too many times. I let him get a little too involved. AND I was scheduled to play the piano Sunday morning! AHHH! I was terrified! I had "screwed up", once again, and God was going to make me "pay" by letting my book fall to the floor or my fingers would slip off the keys and I'd make a total embarrassment of myself. After hearing the words "Meg, your daddy was killed this morning. The plane went down." do you know what my very first thought was? It was my fault. I had no idea he was getting on a plane. If I had known, I could have prayed, and then he would've been fine! My life was a list of do's and don'ts. DO IT ALL - have the perfect life. SCREW IT UP - say goodbye to blessings! During our last counseling session he asked me when was the last time I read any of the gospels....Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Ummmm, are you crazy?!? Why would anyone want to read a story? I never thumbed those pages. They didn't consist of rules. But because I'm a good girl who likes to follow the book, I agreed to start with John. God showed me that in John 1:14 it says "And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth." I took a double take. And a third. Grace and truth. I was reminded earlier that day that God embraced the prostitute but hated the religious people. I don't know about you, but the "religious" people I grew up around said that your skirt had to touch your ankles, and you had to wear pantyhose, and you had to sing out of a hymnal, and you had to attend every service, and you had to get 10 people saved so those 10 people could get 10 more people saved, and those 10 people.... I'd never considered grace and truth. It had only ever been a list of rules. My relationship with my Savior was "religious". Now I could see how that clearly defined all of my relationships. Religious people suck. They use flannel graph lessons of demons and fire and lions to show you what will happen if you don't obey. Religious evangelists suck. You know the ones. The nights that you sit in your pew trembling because you know you trusted Jesus as your Savior when you were 5, but the man behind the pulpit will make you question the validity of that decision because you took a sip of alcohol when you were 17, or because you weren't doing enough to "save your 10 people" yet. Where was God? I, for one, didn't grow up with the knowledge of a God full of grace and truth. I do need to make clear, though, that I really don't see it as anyones fault. My parents certainly weren't the ones preaching hell, fire and brimstone at home. My parents were FULL of grace. I don't think it was my church, either. Although I can still see very clearly that group of church members who definitely aided in my distortion. They were grumpy. And never paid attention to the kids. And wore panty-hose. :) I'm not totally a "every thing is grace..." person, and we're not into the whole "Grace Based Parenting" thing. I think consequences must be had when you or your child is in sin. But my oh my how my eyes have been opened just a little bit more as to who He is and what He is about. Grace, anyone?

Raising Real Men

I am praying now that my boys never meet girls like me. I was catty, manipulative, and easy. I threw my jeans in the dryer 20 minutes before leaving for youth group so they'd be as tight as I could get them. Literally. Seth and I joke around constantly about how thankful we are that we didn't grow up together. I would've thought he was a pleated-pants-comb-over dork. His parents would've put me on the "don't ever get near that girl" list. :) What I once considered "sheltering" I now greatly desire for my sons. Boys will be boys, and God designed them to be visual, but I want to make sure I'm raising men that will one day be good husbands....not good boyfriends. I purchased this BOOK a while ago but didn't think the authors looked "up to date", so it sat on the shelf. :) I picked it up a few weeks back after my oldest son proclaimed that only girls with very long blonde hair could be pretty. Ugh. What have I created, and how could I have done so much damage in only 5 years!?! The book was totally from the Lord and has given me a new perspective. I now know that my boys have a love for fighting, and guns, and adventure because God created them with the attributes needed to defend and fight for their families some day! It's the over abundance of super-heroes and violent video games that turn those wonderful God-given desires into violent acts that seem so disruptive and immature. I'm not quite finished the book. My dear husband stole it to read on his long flight to Hawaii. But it has already produced a change in the way I parent. I always thought I wanted to be the parent of the "cool kids". Now I'm not so sure. I think I'd rather be the parent of the "will know how to lead and provide for his family" kid.

Part Three - the finale

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

God created Seth and I for each other. He orchestrated my up-bringing, my lifestyle, my likes and dislikes, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals and my dreams to prepare me for this moment in time. I will not apologize for the way I was raised, or the fact that I lost my dad, or where I hope to be in 10 years. I was not created to be you. I was not meant to have the husband that you have. I was not meant to have the amount of patience, or knowledge, or opinions that you possess. I am a rather out-spoken person, but I do not use my blog to vent. I stated in Part One that it took me two months to decide whether or not I wanted to share the reality of what was going on in our home. Seth has approved of every word that I have written. I haven't said a bad word about him, or what church we go to, or our childhood memories, or where he works. But I have been honest. Circumstances are not what brought us to our breaking point. It wouldn't've mattered where we lived, or how quickly we started a family, or how my husband made a living. If you took offense to what I have written, I am sorry. If the way I choose to blog doesn't seem appropriate to you, feel free to stop reading. :) The reality is, we are two sinful people. I got married with a lot of baggage. But guess what? He did too. I will never share what happened. Therefore, I don't necessarily think it should be your job to assume you know who was at fault and what would make it all better.

TO THE REST OF YOU (wink wink):

My oh my how nice it has been to know that YOU have also walked this path of darkness! Christians can make mistakes, huh!? :) WHO KNEW??? I am so tired of legalism, and status. Never knew there were so many people out there who felt it was their Christian duty to hide what they were struggling with. Some people are really private. I get that. I don't think it's wrong. I don't think everybody has to know your "business". But it sure is neat to shed a little bit of light on reality, and to stop pretending that you're perfect. :) Thank you for assuring me that we are not alone, and for also giving really good advice on how to keep growing!

IN CONCLUSION:

Whew. What a whirlwind of blog posts! To recap in short.... We were considering divorce in January and February. Not last week. At this present moment we are deeply in love and fighting hard to make the "wrongs", "rights". He did not quit his job because I couldn't handle his traveling schedule. He quit his job because a) he knew it wasn't what God had created him to do, b) he felt he couldn't be the influential father that he desired to be, while living life on the road every other week of the year c) the unique set of circumstances that we found ourselves in made it impossible for us to work on the weak areas of our marriage without him actually being at home. I do not think that a man traveling for business is wrong. There are plenty of men "bringing home the bacon" and still thriving with a wife and kids. Let's not forget the amount of men serving our country, and therefore being absent from their families. But what is right for one family is not always right for another.

Sooooo very glad all of this is OVER! :) I have a million other things I want to blog about. Our preschool homeschooling year is coming to a close, we've completely changed the direction we were heading in for kindergarten, I've started reading an amazing book about raising sons, and I have a whole new respect for all those moms of the piano students I used to have. Silas is in piano lessons and violin lessons now, and the fate of his next lesson is completely dependent on ME! Ugh. I now know why some of those kids failed, and some flourished. FYI for those of you sweating right now....the kids who "failed" don't have moms who read this blog, so you and your reputation are very safe. :)

I am Megan. I was homeschooled and my father was killed tragically when I was 19 years old. I gave birth to 3 babies within the span of 2 1/2 years. My husband and I have been through a really rough time and have come out of it better people. I type my opinions freely and my struggles unashamedly. If you don't like it, find another blog to follow! :)

Part Two

Well I wasn't proven wrong! I thought I'd better jump on here real quick and share some more before I continued to be bombarded with emails! #1: we are still married! #2: we have NO plans on divorcing. #3: thanks for caring enough to check in on me and write your own words of wisdom. :) I am not ready to share the personal details of what happened. Another thing I haven't decided on yet is how much I want to share about what we've learned in counseling. It sounds like such a wonderful, sincere effort to make, but I need to be cautious that no one else is hurt by what I share here. One thing I have learned is that you forgive, and forgive, and forgive, and forgive, and forgive. And forgive again. Another very interesting fact. Did you know that you can both be raised in loving, Christ-centered homes and yet grow into adulthood, get married, and still serve a very different God than your spouse? NEWS FLASH! That one just about blew me out of the water. One of us has "accepted the God of our earthly father", and yet one has not. Can you guess who is who??? Hehe... :) We both serve the same Creator, but our idea of that Creator is sooooo completely different. Who knew!? Not us! You know what else I realized? I am so.utterly.sick. of husband bashers. And competitive momma's! We started out on such a good foot. No tv, we prayed together every night, we even (please don't gag) made it a point to brush our teeth together every single night. And then you buy a house, and worry about what the other young wife is going to think about your decorating ability. And then you get cable tv, and stay up late watching shows that convince you every man on earth is a rich, sexy jerk and every woman needs to be able to fill a D cup. You become dissatisfied. The babies start coming and now you're wondering if yours are wearing the right thing, if you're nursing the right way, if you're reading enough books, if they're memorizing enough scripture, if they wipe their own bum after they poop. Then you get a promotion, and a nicer car, and start shopping for bigger houses. We both say we were the happiest when we had no money and no internet and no car bill and no freakin' cable tv. Do you know why? There was less temptation, and less stress, and less distraction. I seriously don't think the phrase "the honeymoon is over" has anything to do with the amount of years you've been married. I think it has everything to do with the other things you let into your marriage. I loved my house and my furniture until I started reading blogs. He loved his old job until he found out that there's more money to be made elsewhere. I "needed" to redecorate so I was a worthy blog to read, and he "needed" to work more to pay for the motorcycle and bigger house. which, by the way, never ended up happening because we started the stupid dave ramsey program. :) What would happen if you were handed an older car and moved into a smaller home without magazines, tv, or internet. And you couldn't go to target. :) My life would change. Drastically. And what about freakin' facebook!? Do you know how many times a day I check to see what you're wearing, how much weight your husband has gained, if you sat your kid in front of the tv at all, and what color you just painted your bedroom? I'm just sick of it all. I want my kids to be smart and advanced and mature. Do you know what that has resulted in? I can't even look at them without seeing a booger, or fingernails that need to be trimmed, or an outfit that doesn't match. We live our lives trying to impress people we don't even like! And look where it has gotten us. I took a week off of facebook, just to see if it would effect me. No blogs, no facebook, and no weather.com (my guilty pleasure of being freaked out that the world is coming to an end by 5pm because of all the "record storm outbreaks!" notifications flashing at the top of the screen) for a week. I was calmer, enjoyed every moment more, and learned how desperately I need to LIVE my life instead of wasting time watching you live yours. Our husbands need wives who aren't so keenly aware that the guy down the road is pulling in three figures and just completed P90x. We need husbands who put God and family first, not their job....or their paycheck....or their hobby....or their very real desire for skin and boobs and long legs. :) My husband once traveled with a man in the same business. They were discussing how much time they had spent away from their families. My hubby hadn't been home in three weeks, but the other man "won" because he had been gone for six. Seriously? You're okay with that? You men out there that are so desperate to climb the ladder and provide for your families....what are you providing other than a paycheck? Money is not everything. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Do you know how many families out there are losing the hearts of their children because they're too busy with "the ministry"? And do you know how many very wealthy, successful men have pulled my hubby aside and quietly said that it wasn't worth it? They now have kids who are grown and too involved in their own lives to care to keep a relationship with their father, and a wife who got too used to her independence and money to need her man for anything. You.would.be.shocked.

We are going to attempt a retracing of our steps. When did we get lazy? And let distractions in? And stop caring? Our priorities are so out of line. All because we care about what you think. :) Because it's cooler to say that you were at the gym for an hour today, instead of saying you read your Bible for an hour today. A marriage has suffered. Badly. By God's grace we have started the healing process. I LOVED the text I got last night from a friend that reminded me that I CAN'T make this marriage work, but He can. For us, it's now a matter of eliminating the distractions, one by one, so we can see Him clearly. The road ahead seems so long. But we made a promise. My life is not my own.

To be continued, yet again....yes, there's more...

My life is not my own...

This has been my ever present motto for the past three weeks. It took me two months to figure out if I wanted to open myself up and share with the blog world what's been going on. Still not sure that I want to. But, the last time I was real with all of you, I had an overwhelming response of emails stating you had walked that same road. Why is it that you don't know what's really going on in lives until those lives have ended? What's the harm in being honest? Would it be encouraging if you knew I was going through the same thing that you're afraid to admit is happening in your own life? I would take ANYONE like that, right now. The past year has been rough. I told my hubby last night that I really truly believed that our hardest years would be while we were adding more babies into our family. Ha! How can you go from such a like-minded, passionate love, to phone conversations that end with the certainty that things will never be the same. Funny thing is, we've had the same problems since the second week of marriage. You'd think we'd learn! Now after 6 1/2 years of thinking you can work it out "one more time...", you crash. Fall. Afraid at any moment the emotions will make you literally sick. I remember saying "I have to get off the phone. I think I'm going to throw up." Why do we always think we can handle things on our own strength? Lest you be deceived, Seth and I brought a pretty equal amount of baggage into this marriage. One is definitely not more at fault than the other. It takes two. I guess I was just surprised at how much WORK all of this is. The best words of advice I was given before our wedding day was "Everyone takes months to prepare for the wedding, but no one prepares for the marriage." Indeed! Quitting is so tempting. I am not strong enough to fight. I used to be, but I think I lost it the day my dad was killed. I'm not competitive, or strong, or in the mood to fight for what I know is right. And that's wrong. I know it. And then the voices in your head start emerging. "You know what the Bible says, but that's not what you're capable of, humanly speaking." I couldn't wait for him to leave for another business trip. He dreaded coming home. One night we quietly agreed that he should just stay there. But the images of three little children growing up without a father were too overwhelming....for both of us. So....we have sought counsel. He has quit his job. And we are probably relocating. You wouldn't say that's too drastic, would you? :) We have three children who need a godly example of what marriage should be, and we have to keep the covenant that we made before God on our wedding day. My life is not my own.

To be continued....

"6 dangerous comments....

a homeschool mom can make." I'm not sure how many of you will appreciate these, but I know my mom will get a kick out of them. If you are not a homeschool mom, you will probably nod your head in agreement or roll your eyes because you have heard these before. But coming from someone who was homeschooled K-12, and sharing them with the mom who homeschooled K-12, these are a riot. :) I found them in the book "A Survivor's Guide to Home Schooling".

#1: "As a Christian, I could never send my children to public school!"

#2: "God has only given parents the job of teaching their children."

#3: "I plan to home school clear through high school."

#4: "I don't want my children with all those other kids."

#5: (to your parents) "I don't want my kids to go through what I went through."

#6: "College isn't important. I want her to be a good wife and mother."

The book also states "even if it is how you really feel, refrain from saying so and avoid the strife and misunderstanding which would follow...." Very wise words!!!! :)

February 2nd at 8:20am

Wednesday changed my life. We were in the middle of the worst ice storm I could remember. I woke to the sound of our home becoming strangely silent at 3:30am. We lost electricity and could hear branches snapping and hitting the snow covered ground outside. I jumped out of bed to grab a candle and matches in the case that the kids would wake up scared. Thankfully the three little ones stayed asleep. We eventually dozed off again, discussing ways to keep them warm and occupied when the sun came up. The lights were on again by dawn, and I walked downstairs to see what coverage the TV was sharing about the weather. Instead of ice, all major news channels were covering the crisis in Egypt. When I turned it off to prepare breakfast I was a little freaked out. Countries in turmoil can do that to a girl. :) My "oldest" sensed my stress and questioned me about it. In a very sarcastic tone I answered "it's just the end times". :) The poor kid was so confused and looked at me concerned and puzzled. I said "it's okay. Jesus is going to come to take us all to heaven". What happened next was the very last thing I expected. He let his head hang low and said quietly "but I don't have Jesus in my heart". Ugh. Wow. Talk about a heavy heart. He had been asking pointed questions about heaven for about a year. In an effort to allow him to have a better understanding and to ensure that we were never placing our own convictions onto our children, we kept skirting the issue. Answering his questions, but never asking him any of our own. We told him that God was preparing a place in heaven for all those that put their trust in Him, and that we believed it because it's what the Bible says. He had heard it a dozen times before, but that day was different. There was an urgency in his voice. I said "You're right, bud. You don't have Jesus in your heart". Talk about pouring salt on a wound. His daddy chimed in with so many more truths that we have each known since our own childhood. "Jesus loves you", "He wants you to live for Him", "He sent His very own Son to die on a cross so that you wouldn't have to pay the penalty that you deserve for your sin". Okay, so maybe that last truth was the adult version of what he was told that day. :) And then we told him about hell. The alternative. The only other place that he could go when he dies. We said that whoever doesn't have Jesus in their hearts will go there when they die. That's when he lost it. He put his head in his hands and just sobbed. Not "I'm 4 and having an emotional moment" cry, or a "if I lay it on thick they will give me candy" cry. They were very sincere, burdened tears. He said "Is Jesus coming today?" I said "I don't know, bud. Maybe." He felt like he had no hope. He knew the truth. Jesus is in your heart and you have the gift of spending eternity with Him, or you can rely on your own "good works" or other gods and have eternity in a lake of fire. He looked so defeated. It was hard for a mom to watch. I got teary. Thankfully his daddy stepped in with an enthusiastic "But you can ask Him! All you have to do is ASK!!!! Jesus will hear you! He can come into your heart right now, and then you get to go to heaven!" He was quickly trying to wipe his tears away as a smile spread across his face. We all huddled together right there at the table, half eaten bowls of granola and all. :) We weren't quite sure what to do next. I'll be honest. So many people use the "repeat after me" evangelism. And yet you want to be sooooo sure that it's ONLY his child-like faith and his simple understanding of what the Bible says, and not our own words that save him. He got shy, and wasn't sure what to do either. I said "daddy can help you". :) He liked that idea. But he must've gotten a burst of bravery because he immediately broke out into his own, tearful prayer. It was the sweetest thing I had ever heard. I couldn't hold back the emotion. And to tell you how thankful I am that it happened at a time when all 5 of us were together is an understatement. We got to experience that, AS A FAMILY. What a gift. When it was all over I suddenly felt so overwhelmed. We now have so much responsibility. To make sure that he remembers, and that his understanding grows, and that he continues to learn, and ask questions, and fuel this fire that was lit! No one prepares you for this moment in parenting. People have plenty of advice for potty training, or breast feeding, or which stroller to buy. But how to disciple your child???? To make sure that this God that he has just put his trust in becomes more real to him each and every day? My life is a living testimony. It has to be. He might show up for a play date with a booger, or he might not be a violinist or the best reader in his class, but it's funny how in one instance everything else falls by the way-side. Your life now has a new perspective and purpose. What a terrifying responsibility. And it all happened on February 2nd at 8:20am. :) His joy in sharing what he did is contagious. He's not afraid of what people will think. I know that will change, but for now it's very refreshing. He was visiting with my grandparents this morning when my grandfather said "I heard angels singing". Evidently he was majorly confused, so my grandfather had to explain further. "When someone asks Jesus to come into their heart, the angels sing." His face lit up. "Gramps! That was me! I was the one who asked Jesus to come into my heart!!!" What a precious moment. My own grandfather can share in the joy that my own son isn't trusting in his own strength to get him to heaven, but in the one true God. Joy. Unspeakable joy.