I saw myself.

I've had a lot of quiet, alone moments this week. Last night I got a total of about 2 hours of sleep. It's enough to make a girl ponder on her life. :) My only goals in life were to be a wife and a mommy. I'm living my dream, but not exactly the way I had hoped. I was looking for a way to occupy the kids for a few hours before bedtime last night, so we headed off to the library. The library for me means I come away with something to read during those sleepless hours of the night when my brain won't slow down enough to let me relax. The library for my kids means they get to stand at the train table and play with wooden engines for a while. It's a win-win. :) As we were hunched over the train table last night, I noticed a woman sitting on the floor reading. All 3 of her children were involved in "story time" with the library lady, so for all intensive purposes she was alone. Her body language spoke volumes. Tense. Annoyed. Frustrated. A few minutes had passed when a man about her age came in wearing business clothes. He sat down at the table right next to her and proceeded to watch story time. One by one all 3 of their children ran over to give daddy a hug. The nervously looked from mom's face to dad's face, trying to find some sort of answers before running back to story time. That was it. The couple was obviously married, but they never even looked at each other. Story time ended, the couple stood, and the family left the library. I immediately thought to myself "how selfish!" Those kids were obviously searching for approval. They needed the reassurance that the foundation of their family wasn't crumbling. But they didn't get it. The dad probably was a jerk. The mom probably had lost all respect and hope for him. Maybe there was infidelity. Maybe there were financial problems. Maybe abuse. I really don't have a clue, but I felt so bad for those kids. It was then that I saw myself. I've been that woman. He has been that man. The wall of trust broken. All respect lost. Hopes dashed. Forgiveness shattered. Night after night of "letting the sun go down upon your wrath...." We had a pretty serious conversation a few weeks back when we had one of the biggest "light bulb moments" of our relationship. We knew things needed to change....for the kids sake. "These kids need parents who pray for them!" "These kids need parents who are constantly in the Word." And then it hit me. What about when the kids are gone? We were so willing to become ultra-spiritual for them, but what would happen when they were gone? We had a child in '06, '07, and '08. There is a VERY good chance they will all be in college, married, and gone at the same time. Then what? If our whole motives for growing in God is for their sake, what motivation will we have when they are not here? The empty-nester years scare us to death. We dated and were married for such a short time before babies started coming that we never really had a foundation for "us". It's been hard, to say the least. Do we regret what we did? Not for a single day. I could hear someone say "have some time for just the two of you first..." until the day that I die and I will still never regret starting our family right off the bat, but something has to change. We need to get to the point where we are in this for us. Not complaining. Just being honest. :) We are madly in love, but probably not for the right reasons. Don't know why I felt compelled to write this today. I'm sorry if I've ruined your perception of us. :) Last weekend we did something "for the kids", yet again. Hehe....I have pictures to prove it.